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Valentines Day

What does love look like?

By Chad DiBlasio

February 15^th, 2015

What love looks like

I don’t write much on here. Usually it’s just a smattering of photos of people so obviously in love and full of hope that it makes you happy just by seeing there are people so happy in the world (or that’s the hope anyways). The truth, even though I don’t write much, is that I’m constantly thinking about this kind of stuff. I have been married to the short-haired beauty you see in this picture below for coming up on 5 years in August but, we have been together for around 7 years of our adult lives (we have known each other since we were 3 and 5) and I LOVE love. Honestly, there isn’t one of those stupid commercials with old people holding hands that doesn’t make me tear up just a bit thinking about us being at that stage.

Today is STILL a hard day for me though. It’s not something many people know about me (or that I’m super fond of), but I am CONSTANTLY finding my mind in a mode of comparison. Whether it’s my music/singing (it’s never been good enough for me b/c I know there are so many others way better than me), or my photography (it’s pretty good, but I KNOW there are hundreds of people that I know personally who KILL it image wise in comparison to my shots), I can’t seem to let my brain get away from this idea of how good am I really. Or, maybe more honest, how good am I doing in comparison to other people I see/know? Sometimes it can be downright soul-crushing living under this pressure. I think it’s the pressure I put on myself that has held me back from truly pushing into my art in so many forms and has choked out opportunities I have had on several fronts in my life. “But I’m not the best at _____,” has given me more than my fair share of easy excuses to step out of the spot light and into obscurity.

At it’s core, I believe it is this “heart of comparison” that makes so many people feel so overwhelmingly empty on days like today. They have a person that loves them, but that person isn’t great at showing it (which makes them feel like they are getting shortchanged in comparison to what they COULD have). They DON’T have a person to share their love with and that makes them feel invaluable (in comparison to all the people that do have someone to celebrate v-day with). This comparing (not what is actually happening in their lives or hearts) is what is KILLING their heart. Viewing their lives, experiences, values, and worth IN VIEW of other people or other people’s definitions of those things.

Believe me.. I get this more than you know…

I think it might be time for some different standards.

These.four.kids...

I could talk about the numerous times THIS WEEK that I have had that rock-throat feeling of encroaching sadness because I was feeling unsuccessful in some regard. I wasn’t able to book clients like I thought I should or like other people I know. I didn’t get the best lighting in a session like that set I just looked thru from so and so. I don’t think I am as romantic with my wife as that post I saw from that guy I follow on Instagram today… There are so many other thoughts that flow thru my head at any give moment and I could go on, but I don’t want to. I want to do something different. I want to get on with it, maybe try some encouragement. These clothes of heaviness are getting… well.. heavy.

This can be a very hard part of the year for many photographers as the cold weather and lack of events pushes many of us indoors and without constant work for a few months. But, it is also a part of the year that we can spend a more significant part of those days indoors with our families. That is the reason why I have been trying hard to re-define what real success looks like. I have been trying to feel out what it is that is bringing heaviness to my heart and weigh it against the things that I love. The things that bring me true happiness. A woman named Sue Bryce said (and I’m sure she didn’t originate it, but she said it during a rather influential session I had the privilege of attending), “Whether its your wallet or your ass, whatever you focus on grows!” The bible has a slightly different way of saying the same thing in Phillipians 4:8-9 “Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.” Check out where you are sitting your mind down and then, refocus on something better.

Success can be rather elusive if you aren’t looking at the right earmarks; the right standard. The thing is though, I don’t need much more proof than these four nuggets to remind me I am beyond successful. I have, in my possession, 4 of the greatest things that get to happen to people on this planet. For all the craziness and stress they may bring, they have also delivered to my world a happiness and fullness I didn’t previously know existed. It’s their happiness I want as my new standard of success. It’s not easy and somedays I forget. But today, doing nothing out of the ordinary, I remembered. I saw them playing, I saw them laughing and running at a birthday party and I watched them living a day free of comparison to other people’s happiness. I instantly longed for that to be me.. but, right now, as I write, it is. They are my standard, part of the new definition for me as to what it means to be successful.

This.woman

There aren’t even enough ways to describe how things have been for us together. Marriage has been an undeniably amazing and challenging adventure. Honestly, it’s one of the reasons I love shooting weddings. I know the ride these folks are in for and I pray for them as they say their vows that they are able to knuckle down in the hard parts and hold on to all the words they are saying and run with them. That’s where the “50 year love” kind of stuff happens. That’s how you get to be the old folks in the sad and beautiful “Nicholas Sparks book” kind of commercial right? By being present and sticking with it! This woman… She has challenged me to grow up (we obviously aren’t there yet, but she’s working on it haha!). She has made me wonder at times if there was any other human being who I loved more and, conversely made me more angry than I am comfortable being! This look.. this look in this picture is the girl I have known since I was a kid. The one that says, “I love you, ya big idiot.” That may not seem all that sentimental to those who like valentines day cards and Hallmark wording, but to me, it’s everything. She is the kind of woman I hoped to meet in this life and the kind of mom that re-arranges an entire floor of furniture just to set up a party for an 11 year old girl. She is my great love… but, sometimes that comparison crap finds it’s way in here too. There is no doubt to me that you have found yourself in that seat, looking around and wondering if what you have is as good as the other people you know (or see on tv, social media, etc). I know it’s hard in so many areas, but not undoable. It’s also this kind of work that makes us the kind of workers, parents and spouses we always had hoped to become. So, I’ll challenge you to do the same thing I’m working on: look at what you have, and make.your.own.standard.

They are my new standard of success, regardless of what my financial status, work history or public opinion may ever be or not be. I hope you are able to take steps toward that for your life and relationships as well. I know we’ll all be a lot better off if we stop letting comparison rob us of our joy!